It’s Friday, May 10th. It’s been about two months or so since I’ve last unleashed a beast of an entry on this page & I figured hell, why not?
At this very moment, it’s 11:05 post meridian & my night is at a boiling point, so to say. The thoughts of the day have been collected in the basin on my mind & I am starting to feel their heaviness. If the weight of my thoughts could be measured in gold, I’d have enough to buy a castle, encompassed by a moat filled with wonderful kindly creatures. (I’m not so much a fan of the amphibian or reptilian family, sorry folks.)
So much time has passed that I suppose I should recollect & enlighten you wonderful readers of the events that have occurred since said post. Well, let’s see if I can make a list of these things. Hmm…well, I had my heart shattered again (It was a record low this time. Didn’t think that was possible but yup, I win.), my album is continuing to take shape & form into something more (which is wonderful, to say the least), I had the pleasure of performing a wonderful show at the legendary Disney El Capitan Theater on Hollywood BLVD, I recently booked my first real commercial for a grocery store chain by the name of “Fresh & Easy” (Yes. I’ve heard all the jokes. Bring it on, children.) & the biggest project worth mentioning would be the boyband that I’ve started.
Writing for the boyband & watching it all come together has been such a blessing. Truthfully, when I’m involved in my music, it’s the only time I feel like myself anymore. All other moments of empty space & time come across like a filler track on the soundtrack that should be my album. Anything I do that does not involve my work with music is purely distraction at this point. We have plenty of wonderful things in the works & the excitement within me for this project is the only hope I have to hang on to these days.
Look at that, you’re caught up now! Let’s traverse back to those heavy gold lined thoughts now, shall we?
Case in point? Trust no one.
Quite harsh I suppose but let me clear this up. The moment things start to go a certain way with my career, the rest of my life seems to fall apart. Typical for someone in my line of work, it seems. Today specifically, I’ve been disappointed by so many people that I would say that I cared about & trusted. Maybe it’s just an off day, maybe I’m over thinking, maybe it’s just “one of those days.” The truth still remains is that as soon as I let someone in or try to be bigger than any given situation, the other party finds a way to remind me to not get involved. :-\ At this point, I’m keeping my close friends closer than ever. No longer am I accepting applications for new friendships or anything of the sort. My days & nights are spread thinner than ever & if I pursue to add anymore to that, I would implode with so much anger that that damn volcano with a ridiculous name would be envious of my wrath. As the days progress, I’m learning more & more about whom to truly trust & whom to not. Guess I’ll be having a smaller wedding than anticipated in the future.
Take this as a rant & nothing more but it’s late & isn’t this what blogs are supposed to be for? Oh well. Tomorrow seems promising however. Meetings, class, more meetings, photoshoots, rehearsal & a gathering with some so called friends. Eh. We’ll see. I’ve still got my fingers crossed & my glass half full.
Oh, and I dyed my hair last night so all of this could be pure chemical. Eh.
- TinTin V.
P.S. I figured out the names for the children that I would one day love to take in & care for. If there’s a little girl, I would name her Gaia so that she would grow to be a loving, caring & powerful woman. If there’s a son, he will be named Hunter for he shall be a seeker, an adventure & an explorer of all that the world has to offer. Yup.
My latest improv video. :-)
“Today I jump, today I sore to a place once feared before…”
Fear is a funny thing, wouldn’t you say? Though initially unnerving, it could also be the one thing to propel you forward. If you can recognize fear, then you can reformat it into something more useful - hope.
Last Saturday evening, I decided to do something with the only fear I had left in this world. The fear of being honest, the fear of embrace & the fear of vulnerability. Last Saturday, I invited some of my closest friends here in L.A. over to listen to my entire new album before anyone else. To say that I was scared would be an understatement.
It took a few hours for everyone to finally show up, which didn’t help the butterflies migrating around within my stomach. I sat there hoping they wouldn’t find their way to my voice, hoping that they would stay where they belonged - within. Once I finally decided to start, my body began to quiver with anxiety. My spinal cord tightened with a tension I’ve yet to face, sending pulses of electricity throughout the frame that holds my muscles together.
With this album, I chose to write about the things that have defined who I am as a person. Opting out personal pronouns & heartbreak for poetry among the darkness that is my past. Truthfully, I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve but there were always certain things that have gone unmentioned when I tell people about myself. I didn’t realize how much I had been hiding from the world until I wrote this album. I’m proud of it…I’m really, really proud of it,
For the following hour or so, I sang song after song shedding layer after layer until I finally got to the core. For those whom were able to attend, you may know exactly when that happened. I sang a song about the severed relationship with my mother & another song about the loneliness that my father’s death continues to bring me. Waterfalls were everywhere. Tears around the room were released like a river crashing through a boulder, like a landslide carving out the new mountain side. I could hear my friends being affected but I dared not look at any one else’s face for if I did, I might’ve lost the battle I had trained so hard for to win. I stuck it out, I charged into every song with as much strength as I could muster & slayed the dragon that I was once afraid of.
I write & sing about these things so that I may face them, so that I may be strong enough to accept them. For years, this was a personal endeavor never meant to be heard by the world.
However, as soon as I came to the realization that it was fear holding me back from sharing who I was with the world - I knew I had to throw myself into a cage match with said fear. Through every song, through every note, verse, chorus & phrase - I wrestled with that fear & came out a champion.
At the center of it all, I’ve grown afraid that if I shared who I really was with the world, if I spoke of my past & pain that people would run from me. “For who could ever learn to love a beast…?” I suppose I have nothing to hide anymore & let me be the first to tell you that it feels pretty damn amazing.
I have nothing left to hide. I’m aware of my faults, aware of my pain & I’ve accepted every fiber of that.
Thank you to all of those who were in attendance last Saturday night, it meant the world to share such a moment with every single one of you. Thank you for being there, thank you for accepting me into your life & thank you for showing me that I can do something I never thought possible & for giving me hope.
How have we gotten 22 days into the new year already? By what magic have we been planted three full weeks into 2013? Time can be such sweet, sweet sorcery can’t it?
A little under a month ago I achieved the impossible & was finally able to move into my own apartment space. After all this time I finally have a space to call my own. A bed to sleep in, a couch to lay my head upon & a home to be proud of. I’ve taken extra care to furnish & create an atmosphere in which I can hold my head held high to say is mine. Within my month here I’ve had the pleasure of having friends stay over, come here for brunch, laugh in the kitchen with & ring in this new space with me. Nothing makes me happier then seeing all my amazing new friends laugh & enjoy themselves here in my new home.
For you see, up until that point a month ago I had been homeless. Jumping couches & hotel rooms all over Los Angeles. In the six months that I have been here in the city of angels I have been able to get by on the kindness of some wonderfully beautiful strangers. A city of angels indeed, I would say. These beautiful souls got me through every single day & when I didn’t see the light, they reminded me of hope. They reminded me that people out there can still be good, that people can still truly care for a stranger, extend a hand & still love.
Every morning I wake up & brush my weary eyes of sleep, look around the apartment & take a breath. I take a few minutes to remember those dark days & hungry nights where hope seemed all but lost. I don’t feel defined by the furniture or the items in the room but I do feel a sense of accomplishment in being able to have my own space again. Like a newly grown branch on a great oak this apartment is a mark of how far I’ve come & a sign of where I’m heading. Six months ago I came out here from Florida on my own with not very much in tow but a dream in my veins & a relentless drive in my heart.
I distinctly remember driving through the desserts of Texas at 4:00 in the morning. My eyes were heavy of a tiredness I had yet to know. My body on the verge of falling asleep on the dark dreary roads & then I saw something magical. Off in the distance, in the black empty ocean of the night a shooting star shot across the sky like a newborn bird taking her first flight. Like a last signal of hope from the universe with a message to say “Don’t give in, not yet. You’re future is still ahead & it’s over here, this way.” I was strong again. Message heard universe, thank you.
If I could, I would kiss that star.
Not only have things gone wonderfully with my new home but things in my career are going well again also. For those who have yet to know, I’ve been booked on a tour for the spring. We start rehearsal in March & afterwards I will be going all over the US, Japan & London to open a brand new musical project. It will be my first tour & what an exciting project to be a part of. Something new, something people have yet to see. Something I will be able to my mark on. I couldn’t be more grateful, I just couldn’t.
In addition to that I will start working with Aimee Lee Lucas LLC. as an instructor starting this coming Saturday. I’ll be teaching & facilitating again. As of this year I will have been a dance instructor for 11 years & it’s exciting to know that I’ll get to continue that path once again. A few other opportunities may or may not be in the works with the company as well but for now I must stay quiet about it…;-)
In addition to all of that I’m also almost done writing my new album & hope to start the recording process soon. The album is titled “Love & Blood”. It’s an album that I wrote in regards to the many things that have defined my journey on this planet thus far & as always, I’ve very proud of it. Expect a full throttle relaunch of my musical career within the next month or two as well.
22 days into the year & I’m ecstatic about the future once again. 22 days into the year & there’s so much to look forward to, so much work yet to do.
Thanks for the continued love & support, everyone. I truly appreciate it & wouldn’t be alive today without it.
With all my love,
- TinTin V.